July 2, 2008
As I watched this evening’s edition of Nancy Grace on CNN, the story of the kidnapping and murder of a 12 year old Vermont girl, Brooke Bennett, gripped me to the point of nausea. The facts of the case are sickening enough. The girl apparently had been sexually abused by her uncle and stepfather since the age of nine. Both men had trafficked in pornography and were known sex offenders. The uncle, who had no children, used his brother-in-law to gain access to Brooke. What is especially chilling is that the girl’s mother and aunt (sisters) were both married to men who they knew were sex offenders. The uncle, who was a convicted sex offender, had once even been allowed to share the family residence. And now a little girl is dead – probably at the hands of her uncle. He had gained access to her MySpace account to keep tabs on her, and possibly counted on her online activity to deflect suspicion from himself.
This is an all-too-common tragedy, and begs this question: Why are there so many women willing to sacrifice the safety of their children in order to have a romantic partner or provider? Is it that these women were themselves victimized and are even now in denial? Or do they let themselves be fooled by a respectable-looking man who’s only willing to cohabit with them in order to gain access to their children? They say the mother always knows on some level. How could she not? And knowing… how could she possibly accept it?
It’s a mother’s obligation to hold her companions to the most rigorous standards when it comes to contact with her children, and we assume most mothers have a finely tuned inner radar. Some women don't, but they're not always poor, uneducated, or outwardly vulnerable. Intelligent women you would consider genetic lotto winners will sometimes let themselves ignore a host of red flags when a prospective partner fits their “checklist”. Pedophiles come from all walks of life, too. They are often pillars of society – well-to-do, attractive, some with children of their own. They may be in professions where they have unquestioned access to children. This type of predator often specializes in sweeping a woman off her feet – often delivering a whirlwind courtship with such skill that he isolates his target (and her children) from all other friends and family. Some women preyed upon by such men will allow their judgment to fail somewhere in the area between the fantasy of "My Prince Has Come," and the realization of, "I’m in a financial mess and out of options."
I have heard firsthand accounts from several adults who, as children, had been left in the company of unknown adults or older children, and were then molested or worse. Sometimes the victimized child was simply in the same house with a much-older child without the close supervision of a trusted adult. Vigilance in this area is not paranoia, but it's often treated as such. Parents should be in the business of knowing where and with whom their children play and associate. They should be familiar enough with the parents of their kids’ friends to know (at the very least) which adults and teenagers are living in the home. Sadly, even the best safeguards are sometimes not enough, especially when predators hone their skills so well.
A few years ago, an acquaintance I’ll call “E”, told me she had chatted online and on webcam with a man she had never met, while holding her five year old daughter on her lap. When I mentioned the possibility of a pedophile scouting dating sites for a mother with young children, she was aghast – not at the realization this was true – but by the idea that I would doubt her judgment of online “friends.” After a hasty courtship, she moved with her two daughters halfway across the country to marry this man. Now, two years later, she is divorced again. I don’t know what happened in the marriage, but I saw firsthand how little vetting the guy was subjected to before she made this decision. I hear she is husband-hunting again. I marvel at her desperation and carelessness. I truly fear for her daughters.
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